It goes on...

That's Robert Frost's take on life - a quote that I received early in the morn from someone I know.

Okay, I've been thinking (which is very very very rare, it's a Haley's Comet phenomenon)...
my blogs are crap, I write crap, in fact so much bunkum and bullshit that I feel like deleting the whole bushel load and save myself the ignominy of being labelled a 'crappy writer'.

Anyway, this blog here is going to be all about Random Thoughts that have been popping in my head for a while now. And then bid adieu to this blog indefinitely.

Presenting my swansong:
Random Thoughts all of which are meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, snorted at and forgotten the moment it is ingested (if at all, or it might cause indigestion).

Random Thought 1 - Why are we women so fickle when it comes to appearance? So paranoid about what looks good, about the almost obsessive emphasis on the physiognomy that it can actually cause ulcers? Ugh! Look at me! I wanted a hair cut desperately. Took an appointment with a supposedly svelte salon and came out with shampooed, blow dried hair. No hair cut. Because, as the very sweet hair stylist opined like the Wise Oracle, 'No pain, no gain' - result? Will continue to look shaggy, unkempt, disheveled to get a 'new' look. Sigh!

Random Thought 2 - While I was having a shower today I had millions of thoughts that could make good reading (or so I thought, erroneous it might be) and wished then that I could pull down a screen (like Cruise does in Minority Report) which would quickly just x-ray my thoughts out and I would edit it later on. Sigh sigh!

Random Thought 3 - I don't like to see the cadavers of dogs on roads - because it reminds me of their helplessness and man's insensitivity to life other than of his own ilk (even that is debatable in a country like India) - and my own inability to do anything about it except feel disturbed every single time I see one. Maybe it's Sharon, my ex-boss's influence, maybe it's just me.

Random Thought 4 - Much as I adore someone, one day (if we remain friends and if this someone will remember me months later when I'm out of his life), one day I will not only make him do squats holding the Encylopedia Britannica , but probably tie him to a chair and stuff the pages of all the magazines he reads down his throat. Why? Because I want to. Ironically I adore him for the very same reasons I want to also bonk (is that a correct term? basically plonk, thump, dump, hit or what have you) him on the head with the Random House Dictionary that I have and which easily weighs 8 kgs - considering I can't make him see stars any other way, this sure'd be a good way. LOL! I like the picture I have painted. Am I a sadist? Hmmm.....

Random Thought 5 - I loved Steffi Graf's legs - the best ever. None of the girls today on the tennis circuit can match the legs, the grace, the forehand, the sheer consistency. Steffi, I salute you. You're the coolest!

Random Thought 6 - While on tennis, why do women wear short skirts where one can see their underwear which incidentally is nothing but tights? Why not just wear shorts? And can't someone invent a fabric which won't show off women's nipples when they sweat or even when they don't? But then I guess TRP for women's tennis would drastically fall...aah! the mores of commercial sports.

Random Thought 7 - While driving and listening to Maria by Santana the other day, made me want to make love. I like Latino beats and I think seducing a man to something Latino would be so sexy. But hey, I think I'm turning lesbian... my record with men is abysmal...! Sigh sigh sigh!

Random Thought 8 - I'm suffering from Information Anxiety. There's too much to read, learn, listen, see and understand. And too little time. I don't think I want to get caught into this vortex where a nervous breakdown seems imminent only because I don't know. I think I now understand what it means when they say, 'ignorance is bliss'.

Random Thought 9 - Why do we humans ask, discuss, disseminate, analyze so much? After all this discussion and 'knowledge is power' bullshit, what have we achieved except an inexorable, exacerbatingly certain dance to doom? Our own! Sir Creek, Darfur, Syria, Iran, Israel, OPEC, EU and what have you! Ground reality? What has all this got to do with my or anybody else's survival? And a decent survival at that? I'm as much a hypocrite as the rest of the world at which I'm so happily and irreverently pointing fingers at - I'm contemplating buying a new car sometime in the near future - why can't I think of buying the Reva? Nope! Not me. And we're thinking of water as alternative fuel. Wake up my brothers in arms! (and it's a call to self to not be so puerile but be someone of substance). The next century is going to see 'water wars' and so you guys at NASA or wherever, better start dredging out Mars... (can you imagine space water trucks plying water to and fro from the Red Planet to Planet E?).

Random Thought 10 - Back to tennis. Where are the great personalities in men's tennis? Where are the Boris Beckers, Pete Sampras', Andre Agassis' of this racquet and ball game? Federer you are bloody good, you are awesome, you look cool too, but hey, you are not them. Maybe it was the age, an era, maybe it was rivalries. Today everything is so fluid, so transient. But Federer will still do what Sampras didn't...win the French Open. And hey, why are the men dressed in loose, flowing, bermudas, unflattering tees and well... poor men! What else can they wear and play? Tutus?...hmmm... that's food for thought! TRPs will certainly go up a notch! Should I suggest it to Nike?

Random Thought 11 - Friends - lost touch with Ash for the past 6 months - but took off from where we left off - smile, smile. Though he's an irrevocable and painful thread of my past, he's still a good friend and I cannot attribute the 'unhappy end' to him.
Sunil called me unflattering names - undeservedly and uncalled for - but am limping back to an even keel - I don't think I can completely obliterate the bile that rose up on being labelled thus - but one's supposed to be mature and wiser. I will try and forget and forgive! Move on...sorry, Robert Frost doth say, 'it goes on'.

Random Thought 12 - It's all in the timing , bad timing at that! It's painful, sometimes a little unnerving when you're in your nothings at home (short shorts and spaghettis, bra-less), and ma's popped out a bit to the neighbourhood grocer, or for a gosspip session or just in the loo, when the door bell rings, ting tong! A smiling, neighbor, the cable man, the plumber, kids, courier, oh God! And door bells that will be insistent. Invasive. Intrusive. Which are screaming, 'open up or we'll tear the door down' - after all it's a matter of consequence. And then you gingerly open a crack and hope to ward off the pesky pests - but no! When in delectable attire, indelectable situations are the order of the day. Phew! Drat! Leaping frogs and dancing pigs!

Random Thought 13 - I like guys with great legs and a great butt - Ronaldo of Brazil (for the legs), Boris Becker (for the legs), Pete Sampras (for the legs), and even Shahrukh Khan (for both). And any guy who can carry off a pair of regular Levi's and a white shirt rolled up at the sleeve and look classy - well, besides the Brad Pitts, Mel Gibsons, George Clooneys of the world - are there real men like that? Yes? Where? Am I blind?

Random Thought 14 - I want a make over. I want to be coveted. It'd be a great ego booster. I wish someone would nominate me for the 'What to wear' show on Discovery Travel and Living show! Sigh sigh sigh sigh!

Random Thought 15 - I lied when I said (in one of my earlier blogs) that I couldn't count beyond 10.

Random Thought 16 - I like Toblerones and Bounty. No one ever gets me Bounty chocolates. I can buy them, but that's not fun. Chocolates, and flowers should be gifted. Lindt? Naah!

Random Thought 17 - I'm going to attempt a book - a book of inconsequentials. Shams and I. How 2 women half way across the globe from each other are going to attempt it can be the subject of another book, 'How we wrote the book'....sounds fun. It should sell. Anything sells nowadays!

Random Thought 18 - I've had it with moping. From ABCD I'm going to now move on to E or maybe to Z....lol! Of course I'll give in to depressions every second day, but can't sit and weep all day. I mean I heard this woman on some promo on some mindless TV channel saying, 'I saw him, I liked him, I went for him' - pray tell me how do you 'go' for a person? Are there any female 'Hitch'es around?

Random Thought 19 - Why do actors (young, full of attitude) call their female counterparts 'actors'? Is it 'in', hip, politically correct, or what? Actors, actresses. Authors, authoresses. Men, women. Male, female. Yin, yang. Simple!

Random Thought 20 - These are a few of my favorite things (or the things I'd have liked to do) - not in any order of priority, just a (you guessed it) random order.
Gymnast, Ballet dancer, Diver, Figure skater, rally driver, singer, actress, 'most erudite person', and above all a much loved person. I'd like my epitaph to read, 'She truly lived.' (I might change my mind on my epitaph, but for now it stands).

Random Thought 21 - If Ford Perfect came to me and said, 'The Universe is going to end soon, so get my bourbon on the double', I'd say, 'hop on and let's go hitch hiking around the galaxy' and see how 'life goes on'....

On that random thought, I shall end this here. I'm going to be outta here for a while now. I really do write crappy stuff and write crappily (what a choice of word, but it reflects my state of mind).

There will be many more random thoughts where this came from, but the world will be spared this verbal diarrhoea. Adios amigos! (just being polite to the non-existent and invisible reader).

Yet another day!

A few highs:
a) Weathered the devastation - Day 1. Managed to be myself and even had a brief conversation. (Can they ever be called conversations?)
b) Pleasant surprises
Pleasant surprise 1 - my garage mechanic friend called. How sweet is that?To find out how I was doing...:).

Pleasant surprise 2 - Genny called to say Divya would call (now isn't that cute? actually Genny called yesterday to say Divya would call...aaah! just a detail, but I'm pernickety about details. They say God lies in the details). Diyva called. Invite - Thursday dinner confirmed.

Pleasant surprise 3 - Kamesh (my garage mechanic 'dost') said Andy had become a proud (isn't that how they always qualify it....poor thing, like as if he or any man can ever overtly admit that he's not 'proud' or happy) father of a boy. Planned as usual to go to Coorg with him over some weekend to see his child. Hope this time it works out.

Pleasant surprise 4 - "To the most beautiful person I know" - wow! Amit is such a sweetheart. He says the nicest things and man, how I needed that to bolster my 'numb' spirits. He presents a book on "How To Be Idle". I think my talking of dying really psyched him. LOL. Shoot! I shouldn't have. How I shoot my mouth off. (He wants me to give my hyperactive mind a rest).

Pleasant surprise 5 - Since Amit had finished with his exams, I decided to go to Opus with him for what seemed (and turned out) to be an interesting evening. A play and dinner (actually it was more like character monologues if it can be described thus) - I'm on Opus' mailing list - so 6 women enacted or mouthed their characters while it rained. People sitting under umbrellas sipping beer, or squatting on cushions, sitting on chairs, standing against textured walls (us), nibbling at hors d'oeuvres, enjoying, laughing, applauding. Very nice. Indeed. Met Vivek Madan, a somebody in the Bangalore theatre scene. Saw Rani Jeyaraj... so?...and it was such a chilled out evening with Vanilla ice cream and Hershey's for dessert making it the perfect finale. Hmm!

Pleasant surprise 6 - Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive' at Opus - boy oh boy!

Pleasant surprise 7 - My blog here came up in Google's top 5 when one searched for idiosyncrazies. What's better is that my other blog got listed too. Crazy? No idiosyncrazy (PJ!)

What is the weekend looking like? I want to go dancing. Amit's now my only 'anytime' buddy with whom I can go anywhere. So perhaps 'Spinn' or maybe 'Zero G' (though the music there sucks everytime I've been there). I think 'Spinn' - haven't been there in a long long time. And maybe go to Cafe Mosaic later. Sounds good. I need to survive.

"You make me want to be a better man" - one of the most moving, romantic lines ever written. And what do I talk about? Parallel universes, illusions and cocker spaniels. Sigh!

Uncomfortably Numb

• 'And the Oscar goes to...'
• 'The Unbearable Sound of Heart Breaking' (sorry Mr.Kundera, forgive the poetic license...)
• 'Bittersweet Irony'

These were probable blog titles...but then Uncomfortably Numb probably reflects what I feel right now. At the onset of a new day, I pray to God to make it a 'good' day. Make it peaceful, I pray, nothing that would get me into a vortex of emotion and strangle me. Today was peaceful. Up until 2.30 pm that is. Then suddenly it careened downhill like a bicylce without brakes. And now I'm strangely numb. And it's uncomfortable. I'm hoping that it's not precursor to disaster (my mind can do cartwheels any moment!).

When someone you know is feeling low and downright depressed your instinct is to rush, to help make the person feel better. But when that someone's heart is breaking, you're trying to smother your own, trying not to let the sound of the splinters reach a crescendo. Hush you say! crash, boom, bang if you have to, but for Chrissakes, be silent. Can't you see someone's in pain? ( and what about my pain? comes a faint query answers to which you have naught). Feigning sangfroid, being brave, and thinking about the irony of the situation is the aggrieved soul. Assuaging the 'cause' (of my pain), trying to bolster spirits, trying to be a 'friend', when the cause is twisting a knife slowly, slicing you up. Bittersweet? You bet and how! Obfuscating....well...life is such!

How does one tell the heart not to dance to its own drum beat but listen to the mind? I've been trying to do so for a while, an errant pupil is what one has. Will not listen. I've tried, dammit! God knows I've been trying for some time now to let go, let things be, not dwell, have rationalized, but sometimes, unbeknownst, foolish expectation silently slips through. Slamming doors, kick-boxing, yelling, honestly doesn't help (he's right!). There's rage sometimes, there's self-flagellation, but above all there's pain - it's a four-letter word if ever there was one!

David Gray's 'Babylon' - words in the head like a carousel, 'Let go your heart, let go your head' - wanted to dispense with that advice (advice is a pernicious term but for want of a better term) - realize I need it more than the intended recipient.

Sit at my desk and can't stem the tears - hope my heart on my sleeve isn't visible - maybe won't get the Oscars, dammit...:)! Heartbreak! Always knew I was set for one, but when it stares you like this in the face, it's the certainty that kills you! Why is a question that I will refrain from asking now,but maybe will ask one of the 5 people I meet in Heaven (provided my path to Heaven is a certainty, cause it's certainly hellish here right now!).

Life is short. And I need to be good to myself. I need to practice what I preached - love thyself and the world will love you (hopefully! it's never ever come true for me, but then hope hope and more hope is what life's all about). I am getting out of that place for sure. Distance will surely help. Have been contemplating for a while, now I will. And tomorrow, I have no friggin' clue how I'm going to portray a serenity where a 'twister' is slowly picking up momentum. Give me strength O Lord! I've been through worse and I'm hoping I can survive this too. (No 'hoping', I have to, don't have a choice!).

Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

I will survive! Gloria Gaynor, I know you wrote that song for me....LOL! I'll laugh about this momentary lapse of reason when I turn 40...:)...a little bit of adrenaline rush ne'er did anybody no harm. It's good for the soul. Chocolat anyone?

Matters Profound

1. Need to cut my hair - should I shouldn't I?
2. When the driver of my office bus decides to cock-a-snook at the signals, want to tap him on the shoulder and bark at him. Why don't I?
3. When the driver is on the mobile, navigating the morning rush hour with one hand while we gingerly hang on for dear life, I want to go up to him and snarl in his ear, "A#$%..e..what the f&^% do you think you're doing?" I never do.
4. Need to try my hand at some new recipes - loved cooking once upon a time - I still do - after all I do it once in 2 years....:) - what am I waiting for?
5. A colleague - will not listen - will not wait till you finish what you have to say - will be dismissive - will feign to know it all - will have body language which says, 'Why do I have to deal with you, can't you see, I'm busy changing the world?' - a colleague with whom I have to now deal with - I'd like to show him my middle finger. But I'm not Indra Nooyi so can I?
6. Someone I know in office made me read an article by some Anita Jain - God alone knows how he finds articles to read - it was very well written - but to be judged one of the best articles ? - hmm...anything goes in Amrika - I should write about inconsequentials and rake in some moolah - I need an agent dammit!
7. When it rains, it doesn't pour! Just flatters to deceive. Must get wet and revive an ancient Mumbai ritual - and play hopskotch with the puddles. What am I waiting for? 22nd century?
8. Office, home, office, home - need to change the monotony. Make it home, office, home, office - hmmm...seems possible.
9. Want to be Garboesque and walk into a night club with a long cigarette holder, stilettoes on which one can barely balance, a black hat, stockinged calves (why did or do women wear stockings....well, why do women wear what they do anyways?...), black sheath dress preferably with a slit showing cellulite ridden thighs - well, this'd be the perfect way to become a moll - can almost hear Ajit saying, 'Mona Darling'. Hmmm...
10. Don't know to count beyond 10. All matters should end at 10. If they exceed then they recede into the realm of the banal and mundane.

One last thought - why do the jottings in my diary seem so very different from the blog? In fact why does this blog seem so different in content than my other blog? Shams... any answer? Well, it seems I've become addicted to the key board and my mind spouts words like a kettle on the boil as soon as the digits hit the keys. Singing a different note eh?

Weekend Banter

Weekend's almost over. Good weekend. Very good in fact.

Saturday Banter
11.30 to 12.30 pm - Gym. Good work out. My abs will be non-existent if I continue this way. Can still feel the tightness. And every time I get up on the treadmill I think - just walk... and then I start the run. 15 mins... at an incline and at a decent speed. The first 5 mins. are not bad... then I'm pushing myself... huff, puff, huff, puff, I can't, is this worth it, tomorrow, I can, I should, more will power, imagine a toned body, sinewy legs and not cellulite ridden 'taangs'... I can, I must, ... 2 more mins..., enough!, just a lil more..., tomorrow... chest heaves, stitch in the side, why? God can I die? I will die!....Done! 15 mins at an incline... and I'm feeling good. Another 5 mins of cool down and boy! It's the most wonderful feeling when you push yourself and test your limits of endurance and come out on top.
I'm beginning to like my body - moles, warts, blemishes et al. Yeah! I like what I have. I'm maturing. I like God's gift.

Lunch, browse the net, siesta and time to meet Amit at Sankey. It's a great idea to meet up for fresh air rather than just sit at some 'hip' or 'to be seen at' place ( or not ,as our case always is...:) ) and live on fresh air. Love in both our lives at the moment has decided to take a back-seat.

Sankey - I live so near, and yet haven't been to the tank in all the years I've spent in B'lore - remember boating there when I was a 'visitor' to B'lore from Mumbai during school vacations. Eons ago. Today it's crowded, and the best laid plans gone awry...LOL. Yeah! Some govt. body decides to lay down interlocking tiles. Some other govt. body decides, 'hey, we got to cover this in our budget and AOP, so let's dig the place up and re-lay what's done already'. Mounds of mud, a tractor trying to wedge in where only 2 cyclists can manage and in the bargain chips off a piece of pillar over which a beautiful bougainvillea is growing (or it is jacaranda...bad at botany...who cares, beautiful lilac flowers forming a bough), some uneducated invisible moronic louts (I could call them worse...I'm still seething) flinging 2 plastic bags of unmentionables in the water from the road...and people walking briskly, or at a leisurely pace taking it all in, and even a kingfisher beating its wings looking with puzzlement and then desultorily at man and his madness. Amit and I play frisbee... I get the hang of it and I'm enjoying it. I tried playing it on the beaches of Goa the year before last, but that was then, and Amit is patient. I can get good at it...:)..next is the guitar and TT if I can and of course perfecting swimming. I could swim mmm....what's 22 x 60 or 75 mts...more than 1500 mts for sure...that was in Mumbai...that was then. Today it's a different story.

Beautiful day. Neither of us wanted to drink so went to Cafe Day and talked of ideas, ideation, what makes successful men successful, what would our attitudes be if we ever achieved material success and so on.

Then decided to go on a drive when Amit suggested we go to Pinxx. We did. We were not dressed for a Saturday night out...and weren't in the mood for any snobbery. Sat in the open air lounge outside and were the only ones. Decided not to have anything while watching TV on the watery wall....Comfortable cushions - huge floor cushions set up against the settees... reminded me of my room...:)...then went upstairs and checked out the restaurant and there were some interesting 'isms' on the wall...called Pinxxism - 'One is not born a woman, one becomes one' and "I think therefore I'm single" (I love this one...it reeks of pseudo intellectualism and snobbery....oh I love it!) and so on. Amit captures it on his cell camera for later.

We go back to a beer and shandy of course and then decide to go to the bar as it pours and one isn't keen on being struck by lightning, not this kinds anyways....:) ha ha ha... At the bar, there are interesting coloured liquors inside bottles on the bottoms of which we read , 'green apple' and 'blue wine' and so on. I'm fascinated. I'm always curious. I ask what they are. Am told. I decide to have a 'shooter' as it's called, a vodka based green apple one. Yummmmmm! We're on the bean bag by then...and the place is hardly crowded and we're comfortable. We decide to have a blog of reviews...Amit and I. We're sure we can give a lot of the 'wannabe' reviewers a run for their money - spiced in our inimitable style (ha ha ha..do we have one already?)...and get excited and as a first, I've saved the bill from Pinxx for future references and comparisons. Reviews coming up....:)

Just the mere mention of death gets people psyched up. Amit is totally psyched. And I'm wondering - why does it get people so worked up? I could die tomorrow - I have nothing to live for - my raison d'etre is my mom... every dream I had went up in smoke. Every dream I dare dream comes to naught. I stopped hoping, dreaming, aspiring some time ago - everything I've loved has never been mine ever - even this time I'm setting myself up for heartbreak, but that's not something that I can control...anyway, so it gets him on edge and that's exactly what I tell him - what is there to do in life when one says, there's so much to do? Do I want to change the world? Marriage, children, money, success, travel, food, clothes, symbols of success (definitions are subjective), are all incidental - the moot point is to live life - decently, happily, and spreading love, cheer and happiness and never ever causing anyone any harm intentionally and just being. But that's not how we all think. We're all in our own cages.

Sunday Banter
Set alarm for 6.00 am - going to Lal Bag en famille. Couple of aunts from Sanjay Nagar, ma, Kaushik my cousin and I at the helm. Takes 18 mins. to Lal Bag in the morning. What bliss!
Park at the West Gate and join the eager beavers for a walkabout. It feels good. It's cool. It's green. It's an oxygen chamber. There's a classical 'katcheri' with a smattering of people listening to it. I'm hungry. My body starts rumbling at exact times nowadays telling me that conditioning the body is good and bad...:)...it can be inconvenient at times where hunger pangs are concerned.

We eat at a drive-in and carry on. Home. Read the papers, read the articles in The Hindu, remember that I have to search for the Water Treaty architect on Google yet again (I think I have Alzheimer's, can't seem to remember people's names and things, when at one point I used to be a walking talking 'know 'em all')...and also the name of the absolutely delightful drink that I had for the first and last time at what is now Taj Land's End in Mumbai on some date (it wasn't some date, but the details of that are better left buried six feet under, slightly painful and unnecessary to rake it up at this point), and don't know how I'm going to google it when I can't even vaguely recollect the name. Sigh!

SMS - try the Mind Sport today, it's freaky. It's a nice one. I'm thinking and I'm not sure what the answers could be. I'm thinking he'll like Mister God...:)...I almost crack the Quick Clues crossword...and then by 12.30 am grabbing some shut eye. No lunch. Fruit diet today. Just another 3 kgs lesser and I'll be okay...I'm still okay, but I want to be 'the bod' at least in my mind...:).

3.30 pm - decide to watch 'Shwas', the VCD of which has been lying with me for well over a month given by Sandy(a colleague). My player is a cheap Taiwanese make that Bunty bought me (how can I even fume and crib at a thoughtful present, so will desist from calling it a 'friggin cheap contraption that I'd much rather...never mind!) so decide to see it at aunt's place on her sleek Philips DVD. Thankfully she lives just 2 floors down so making such decisions is relatively easier.

I love the movie. A movie without underlying messages. A movie without melodrama. A movie made from the heart. A movie enacted from the heart. I remember reading the review of Shwas as soon as Sandy told me about it and Shashi Deshpande's I think was the most eloquent and accurate. I loved it. It made me feel the lack of a male presence in my life - I mean my father or even my grandpa. I wish... but ... there's no point in dwelling on chapters of life that are never ever going to magically change the course of narrative and come alive as a 'happy end'.

Kaushik says, 'Let's go somewhere R' and I say 'Done, give me 20 mins'. Thankfully I share a very decent rapport with all my maternal cousins and they've never ever felt awkward to take me out...:)..so cool eh? Even though I'm the eldest. And the brothers I get along with better than the girls, except for Aditi who is my favourite kid sis.

I wear tracks - why am I specially mentioning it? I'm conservative in the way I dress. So wearing these hipsters made me feel cool... I've lost weight...yipppeee (sigh! being so typically female and exulting in matters so banal makes me blush, but hey, I'm female and I've no qualms being typically female sometimes - I'm fed up of being a 'buddy' and on back slapping terms with most of my male friends - maybe I should be 'I'm so helpless, can you drop me home?' types...or eye lash fluttering, 'Oh God! Is my lipstick still on?'....egads! I shouldn't be disparaging about my own sex here, but to be one of those 'chikcy' girls makes me see red. But sometimes I too aspire for flowers and chocolates,...and...well... it's thanks to a staple of Mills & Boon during my adolescent years....but..yes...sometimes!).

Wind in the hair, beautiful weather. Am a pillion after ages. It feels good. We go to Gullu's chat corner at Kumara Park. Woweee! Then Kaushik wants to go to the Windsor. After taking a very convoluted route, we manage to get to Windsor Sheraton. At first we think we'll go to the Raj Pavilion which is their coffee shop kinda place and I've been there before so know it. But the sounds of mirth and merriment from Dublin their pub, draws us in - and we're soon perched atop the bar stools and Kaushik being a teetotaller, we order for a cocktail and mocktail - we get specially concocted ones courtesy Ranjan, a very gracious bartender. Mine is vodka based with sprigs of mint and it tastes heavenly. Mmmmm! Kaushik's concoction is a combination of strawberry and orange and is out of this world. We then sing along with a bunch of raucous Brits and it's great to hear Status Quo or Clapton instead of the usual Bombay Rockers or whatchamacallit.

We check out the different restaurants at the Windsor, as Kaushik wants to see what's on offer. We go to the book shop called East India Company which is really a 'this & that' bookshop and see Crocodile jeans for Rs.875/- which I think is a steal and Kaushik promptly buys one. I purchase an Outlook because it has Aamir Khan on the cover and it says, 'One of the most interesting actors of the decade' and I couldn't agree more. I adore him!

Right! One more mocktail made of musk melon and mango courtesy the smiling Ranjan, some karaoking with the Brits again on Bryan Adams' 'Summer of 69' and we're outta there. Feeling silly, but happy because it's an impulsive breezy evening.

Thoughts

• Speaking of death is a no no. Some don't like it. Respect that.
• Success is an attitude. Need to cultivate it.
• Being with friends and talking of regular things is so refreshing. Does every conversation have to be intellectual? NO!
• I like my body. I like my skin too. It's mine.:) Am I being narcisstic? No!
• It's nice to do things impulsively. (Thankfully I do it all the time!)
• I should re-open my 'book' - the one I lost to my hard disk crash. Damn! Movies move me...
• Reviews of pubs and restaurants even if it's for a few would give me great pleasure. Amit and I should do it. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while....thank you technology. Blogs suddenly seem very welcome.
• Getting up early on Sundays is good. There's more time.
• I have to revive my work with blind children as I did in Mumbai. Must find out about a blind school here where I can devote time - Shwas made my resolve stronger.
• We have such brilliant actors in regional cinema - and directors - and simple yet powerful stories that are well told.
• Friends are important
• Love makes the world go round.

Dangling Conversations

Am in a strange frame of mind. Happy. Not ecstatic. And disturbed by 'dangling conversations'. It's a beautiful song by Simon & Garfunkel - great song writers, great composers, great musicians. Music today is not really melodious. Or maybe I'm not part of Gen X. Maybe this and maybe that.

I'm back here for 2 reasons - one because something someone said fed my voracious ego (that bit about 'voracious' is so untrue...even if I myself say so, and if it's so untrue then why mention it...oh! it's nice to make things up about oneself... like I'm Ashley Judd with Meryl Streep's cheekbones, Nicole Kidman's legs, Julia Robert's smile, Charlize Theron's anything, Elle MacPherson's what else, the Bod! and so on, and no! do not wish for J Lo's ample butt...too much is made of it I say...and my South Indian genes have taken care to see that I'm well endowed in that department...and Mallika Sarabhai's genes, Shabana's eyes, Nandita Das's earthiness, Sushmita Sens' chic and sense of style and ....ok lady just stop! it's awful when you carry things too far...) - the other because my team won at a quiz medley held at office today.

Reason 1
6 teams - regular quizzers - seemed like the entire WWF team against Lilliputians. Us! 4 of us and we won. It sure felt good. And if I cast my mind back to the questions and rounds - we cracked only 3 out of the 6 rounds. Time was of the essence and guess Vikram and Aditi were good. I felt good. It feels good to win. Winning should become a habit. It can be quite addictive. Is that what keeps Michael Schumacher, Kasparov, Lance Armstrong going long after they've achieved the pinnacle of success? Long after records tumble, long after they've rewritten history books several times over? I'd like to know where the motivation stems from! Maybe it's some drug (adrenaline?) that keeps them going? Want to bottle it and retail it anyone? Anyway, so on a Friday, it was good to win something. It's nice to win when expectations are NIL. I was expecting to come last. Right!...enough said on the win. It wasn't like I defeated cancer and came out trumps. Now that's another story... the triumph of the mind over matter.

Reason 2
Someone with whom I chat fairly regularly in office said I should continue blogging or some such. For a moment it took me completely unawares - he was talking of my blog. Didn't ever think he'd read something I wrote, leave alone give me a back-handed compliment. It gave me goose-bumps to think that someone would read my blogs, someone I knew well (relatively speaking, and not in the category of 'dear, beloved friend'). It was like someone reading my thoughts and knowing me inside out (now that's a laugh considering I'm still trying to figure myself out). I'm hoping that he won't read any of my blogs if and when I continue after this one (this is a special case in point, thanks to the someone I know and the Quiz Medley).

Today's conversation was a 'dangling conversation'. Sometimes I often wonder if we're trying to say more than can be said. Maybe not. Maybe I'm being 'complicated'. Maybe I'm letting my fertile imagination go wild.Maybe I want more to be said. Maybe I should use my 'intelligence' well...:)...we all learn the same things someone said, it's about how you use it. I've been trying to use it to read minds - phew! I give up. Correction! Read 'a' mind. And I hate it when people don't share in the happiness of friends. I won. Sent an SMS. No response. So I didn't win the Marathon or climb Everest. But it was my moment of glory. I shared. What is shared in return? Silence! Ignored! Why don't I learn? (This last here would be 'irrelevant, out of context, tangential' as some might call it, but thankfully I do know my mind, and who cares if you don't know why a line of thought has suddenly turned astray?!)

Success eludes me. Labryinthine is the mind and I'm just a poor, puzzled ignoramus - will I ever see the light?. I don't know if it'd be worth it. I don't know if I want to anymore. But I am the eternal FOOL! Stop caring, you! (If only I would listen). I will die soon. Sigh! Life's a bitch! And then you die! Uh oh!

Sheryl Crow drones (actually it's a very nice song so 'drone' does not reflect the actual inflections in her voice while she sings....sorry Sheryl!)
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Mmm...feeling fine? Ha ha ha. But today was a nice day. It's yet another Friday! So? Beer anyone? Beer? Nah! Not me...I'm the quintessential 'Shandy' girl...oh Amit & Nag...you'll vouch for the same won't you?...Life is calling! Where am I?

Tempus edax rerum

Latin for "Time,the devourer of all things". To me it means that I'm hoping life will be normal again. But then what is abnormal? When things aren't routine, or going down the same old path of monotony? Then life always has been normal.

Anyway, as of today, this blog is closed. Thankfully I've just started it recently and it's not painful to announce its death.

Not sure if I'll be back. Not sure if I want to be.

I'm outta here.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Teary day. Lot of penning down of thoughts.
Saw Dil Chahta Hai (again!). I want someone like Sid...
Time to get hysterical... me and my wants...!!

Come Undone

Yet again. How can I be so consistent?
Thoughts since last night have been swirling. Mind abuzz.

Love=Pain= (Bad)Luck=Muck=Suck=Hurt=Lose= (no) Hope = ....does it matter? Life I guess.

It hurts real bad. Real real real bad. Will never know 'why not me?'

Have come undone. Completely. What do I do? What can I do?

Shattered.

This, that & little else...:)

Ok I can see blogging is getting under my skin. Hey Amit, marijuana...ha ha ha..shhhh! This is actually my forum and I haven't advertised it... should I? Why? If I'm writing then it's for me... I want to vent my spleen...like I want to vent my spleen at a drunken cyclist who seems inclined and attracted to the left of my car....egads! So yeah, I write, (too much..you're right..am horrified actually, and that too about inane stuff)...

There's this other blog space I chanced upon, called blog drive, which came up during my search for something on google...and man oh man! The pseudonyms or blogonyms that people have for their blogs seems so creative and innovative...feel so unoriginal and boring...there are such immensely talented people out there...uff!

This, that and everything else is the title of the other blog I created for Shams and I...she hasn't posted anything on it silly girl...maybe I should post some more stuff there...

"Aap ki Soniya" - what can I say about this play? About how everything in a play needs to come together for it to be a wonderful and enjoyable whole - the sound system sucked! Remarkably, the actors went on... full credit to them...did they have a choice? Yes...they could have stopped! Farooque Shaikh's intonations were wonderful and I kept comparing a much pregnant Sonali Bendre to Shabana...I know comparisons are odious and she did fall short - but full credit to her - she brought a lump to my throat when she intoned her last spiel...that was incredibly poignant. Nice, but not so nice on the whole...Tumhari Amrita unfortunately is a benchmark very very tough to breach or break or cross over.

Went to Miller's 46 for steaks and sizzlers...Deb was in a generous mood after a couple of vodkas and was willing to pick up the tab...but we girls decided against it. Am apprehensive of downing a couple and driving nowadays because of the intensive police 'nakabandi' everywhere...especially at Sankey which I have to pass if I take that route.

Boss is on leave for 2 weeks - am going to miss her like crazy. She paid me a very fine compliment and I'm proud of it - will have to try and not let it give me a swollen head. But I always take these things with a pinch of salt.

Bunty is coming down. Yeah yeah yeah! Yipppeee! I feel so good. 2 weeks from now. Just to have her around makes me feel so secure. Friendship is such a security blanket. Like love! If you can trust it not to let you down. That's a tough one. It's always letting me down. It just might this time around too.

The weekend's here! TGIF!

Musings

Smile
"Chilly chicken without the chicken (basically vegetarian)" and "OuryesWeePee" had me in splits today. A forward doing the rounds - a wedding invitation card in the form of a cartoon strip - howlarious. I'd have loved to create something like that. I think we Indians as a race are too friggin' serious and lack a basic sense of humour - we just can't laugh at ourselves. In fact sometimes I wonder if 2 of my friends were to bitch about me, what a picture they'd paint of me...:)) (sounds fun...in fact I think I should do this more often, think about all my weaknesses and laugh out loud - I'd live longer).

Colleagues
A colleague's knock knock jokes yesterday were cute too, especially the one about "I geese not ..." or something to that effect. Coming from this particular colleague was surprising, because he's such a grave character and I wonder if he ever smiles....he's almost like one of those fairy tale princes who forgot to smile - he seems to have it all, but then, how do we know what really goes on behind our facades, we only second guess (why second guess and not first guess?). But he's a wonderfully well-read person and this and that and all that jazz...(and wouldn't want to say more here). I guess he already knows and he's got such an insouciant air about him, an almost arrogant swagger that's "I'm special and you are all such mere moronic hoi polloi"..maybe he isn't like that... but it's about perceptions. Anyways would he give a damn about what I thought? Nah!

2 days ago I heard one of my colleagues had resigned for no apparent reason - on probing one found that he was suffering from cancer of the lymph node and it was the last stage apparently. I felt an insane urge to just sit on the kerb and holler. I'd met this colleague through my association with an employee club and we'd briefly discussed books and I'd mentioned about Strand and he mentioned how he'd come home and raid my books and then wrote a mail saying, "You never told me Strand would be closed on Sunday" and I got riled (it takes very little to rile me nowadays) and I wrote a fairly sarcastic mail (I do have an acerbic tongue and pen bah!). I felt miserable when I thought about it. Of course I wrote to him and all that and we exchanged phone nos. and I wanted to hug him and just share with him - but I barely knew him and he is more than 6' and I a mere pint-sized 'pocket dynamite' as someone once described (ha ha...those were the heady days). Life! oh god life is short. And bitter. Or sweet. Or sour. Or pungent..life is what you make of it - and I'm making it increasingly complicated. I need a goal.

Cell-less
I forgot my cell at home today. Did I miss it? Not really. Can I live without it? Mmm...not sure...might have withdrawal symptoms.

1st cars
While on my way home I saw my cousin Rohan at the kerb near ISRO with a shiny, sleek, spanking new Getz and I hollered and asked him if he was going for a test drive and he said ,"No it's mine"...and then saw my aunt's head peeping out grinning like a Cheshire cat with all the cream saying hey we'll drop you home. So I sat in a shiny, flashy, red, Korean made car and it was a pleasurable experience. My cousin seemed so nonchalant and detached... are men never given to showing their emotions? For God's sakes at 25 to own a 5.5 lakh car is what society would deem as success... after all Little Prince's observations on men (as in all of us) is so astute...we're only obsessed with numbers. More on that another day perhaps. And I though to myself, Jesus, I got my first car 3 years ago and felt so so so good. And I had crossed my 20s by then... and today kids are flying....I'm getting into my dotage.

Play
I'm going to watch this play called "Aap ki Soniya" enacted by Farooque Shaikh and Sonali Bendre. It's supposed to be a sequel to the brilliant "Tumhari Amrita" - wonder if 300 green ones will be worth it and if Sonali will be able to induce the nuances in her tone as the great Shabana..to hear her and Farooque exchanging life as it were through letters...oh dear God. Brings a lump to my throat to even think of it...I even saw the English version directed by Rahul da Cunha and enacted by Shernaaz Patel and Rajat Kapur, both very fine actors, "Love Letters" I think it was called. But the Hindi version moved me more...I wish I could write so, to evoke emotions, to let imagination fly, to change a life.... I should write..."notes to my soul"

Home
Ma seems more amiable now - it's a temporary truce till, I think, the whole subject of marriage is raked up again and voices raised, tempers frayed, emotions bruised we battle on.... the war is not yet over. I don't know if it ever will. Men are truly from Mars and since I'm from Planet Earth, the twain shan't ever meet.

Syn-City

That's the intriguing name of one of the word games in M-W (Merriam Webster of the dictionary fame for the uninitiated - does this make me sound oh so pompous? okay for those not in the know..:) ) Syn-City almost makes you wonder what's sinful about it isn't it?
Syn for Synonyms and city because it's a synonym building game - you build skyscrapers. Fun. I like M-W.
What am I doing blogging? After denouncing it or daresay openly discounting its merits (am sure there are millions out there and an ever-increasing tribe may I add) here I am. It could just ensnare me and get me addicted to it like Paul MacCartney singing- "let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better" - Hey Jude! by the Beatles (apparently written for 'cocaine' though I thought that was Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for LSD which isn't the same as cocaine - lysergic acid diethylamide, one of the most potent mood enhancing drugs - ok ok, so big deal!).

But I like words - have always liked it. I like writing words than speaking it. Oh if only I knew half the words from the world of words I'd be Queen! Just the sheer power... I can almost taste it. Words is power, the power to communicate. But just reading Malcolm Gladwell's review of Steven Johnson's "Everything Bad is Good for You" in the New Yorker is an eye-opener. Johnson apparently goes on to say how 'books' is an isolating habit and not as involving as say video games... well...to each his own. I like books too... because they have words and words form a string, a sentence, make sense and non-sense and whoa! you have a narrative.

To digress just a wee bit - I've been feeling miserable for a while now. Work and home gives me no peace - turmoil. Always battling, walking the tight rope, feeling guilty, wanting to be loved, wanting to be understood, just wanting, wanting and more wanting. I should do Vipassana and experience it first hand and compare it to Sarah Macdonald's lip-tugging description in 'Holy Cow'.

I feel torn. I'm all out of faith. Should've just seen what was there...I just have no luck! Natalie Imbruglia sings this so well.

Life's like that. You want so much and you're hoping... sometimes against hope. But no one is really listening... not even you...!

Thanks Shalu... I love you! If only you knew how much talking to you calmed me down. Thank God for friends like you. Geographical distance not withstanding, I never feel apart...I do wish you guys were all here though. Sometimes I hate this city....it's not IT at all...people are cold, out of sight out of mind mindsets... can't develop friendships... everyone is so self-absorbed... and when you reach out you're heart's slapped away...shoo! Ouch! it hurts... if only one wasn't so hyper or super or ultra sensitive. I miss you guys and girls...each and everyone of you... I must've done something good to have you in my lives. I need you all now more than at any other point in time in my life. My bulwarks! I salute you!

That's a lot of Syn-City for the night! Adios! And like Jim Carey says, if I don't see you again, good morning, good afternoon and good night!

Row, harrow

Both these words are related - you have a row and you could be harrowed. I just had one.

I had a row with blogger yesterday and I was harrowed - thanks to you Amit, you have actually figured how this thing actually doesn't throw up errors and today I'm not harrowed.

Frown - even that is related to the above two and has a 'row' in between... it's nice to study words sometimes. And pow wow - like you have a pow wow or a row and you have a 'furrow'ed brow..wow..this is getting to be a 'ow ow' one...ha ha.

I've had a row, am harrowed, have a frown and will no longer drown in this 'o blog. Will not be swept away. Will not go bow bow!

F#$@

I am not sure how this blog thinggie works...actually do know...after all it's not rocket science. But somehow am so uncomfortable for thoughts to be published on so public a forum...but created this for 2 reasons only - Shams and Amit - both very close, dear and wonderful human beings whom I love very much. Shams...created one for you and you can start posting there... Amit ... created this only so I could post comments on your page... Let's see how goes it - after all this is the way the world is going - a-blogging..:) just wondering if it'll ever become a compulsion and will it ever replace my beautiful diary with hand made paper and the feel of ink flowing on it.... Love you guys and all the wonderful people in my life who've shaped me - don't lynch me for this...I know am a paranoid, old regurgitating cow....ha ha ha...quite like that description of mine. Right this is where it stops. Am getting off. Have created this for the nth time and I hate the errors it throws up...am fed up and want to get off...damn damn damn!