Uncomfortably Numb

• 'And the Oscar goes to...'
• 'The Unbearable Sound of Heart Breaking' (sorry Mr.Kundera, forgive the poetic license...)
• 'Bittersweet Irony'

These were probable blog titles...but then Uncomfortably Numb probably reflects what I feel right now. At the onset of a new day, I pray to God to make it a 'good' day. Make it peaceful, I pray, nothing that would get me into a vortex of emotion and strangle me. Today was peaceful. Up until 2.30 pm that is. Then suddenly it careened downhill like a bicylce without brakes. And now I'm strangely numb. And it's uncomfortable. I'm hoping that it's not precursor to disaster (my mind can do cartwheels any moment!).

When someone you know is feeling low and downright depressed your instinct is to rush, to help make the person feel better. But when that someone's heart is breaking, you're trying to smother your own, trying not to let the sound of the splinters reach a crescendo. Hush you say! crash, boom, bang if you have to, but for Chrissakes, be silent. Can't you see someone's in pain? ( and what about my pain? comes a faint query answers to which you have naught). Feigning sangfroid, being brave, and thinking about the irony of the situation is the aggrieved soul. Assuaging the 'cause' (of my pain), trying to bolster spirits, trying to be a 'friend', when the cause is twisting a knife slowly, slicing you up. Bittersweet? You bet and how! Obfuscating....well...life is such!

How does one tell the heart not to dance to its own drum beat but listen to the mind? I've been trying to do so for a while, an errant pupil is what one has. Will not listen. I've tried, dammit! God knows I've been trying for some time now to let go, let things be, not dwell, have rationalized, but sometimes, unbeknownst, foolish expectation silently slips through. Slamming doors, kick-boxing, yelling, honestly doesn't help (he's right!). There's rage sometimes, there's self-flagellation, but above all there's pain - it's a four-letter word if ever there was one!

David Gray's 'Babylon' - words in the head like a carousel, 'Let go your heart, let go your head' - wanted to dispense with that advice (advice is a pernicious term but for want of a better term) - realize I need it more than the intended recipient.

Sit at my desk and can't stem the tears - hope my heart on my sleeve isn't visible - maybe won't get the Oscars, dammit...:)! Heartbreak! Always knew I was set for one, but when it stares you like this in the face, it's the certainty that kills you! Why is a question that I will refrain from asking now,but maybe will ask one of the 5 people I meet in Heaven (provided my path to Heaven is a certainty, cause it's certainly hellish here right now!).

Life is short. And I need to be good to myself. I need to practice what I preached - love thyself and the world will love you (hopefully! it's never ever come true for me, but then hope hope and more hope is what life's all about). I am getting out of that place for sure. Distance will surely help. Have been contemplating for a while, now I will. And tomorrow, I have no friggin' clue how I'm going to portray a serenity where a 'twister' is slowly picking up momentum. Give me strength O Lord! I've been through worse and I'm hoping I can survive this too. (No 'hoping', I have to, don't have a choice!).

Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

I will survive! Gloria Gaynor, I know you wrote that song for me....LOL! I'll laugh about this momentary lapse of reason when I turn 40...:)...a little bit of adrenaline rush ne'er did anybody no harm. It's good for the soul. Chocolat anyone?