If...

...for once, just once, I could be asked when I most need it, 'How are you?' I think it would be nice.

But then when have wants ever come to fruition?!

If only...

Laughable paranoia!

So you think anyone cares?

Har har har har!

You actually do?

Being naive is one thing, but being stupidly blind and foolish, quite another.

Whoa!

So I can't sleep. And I can't think. Have no idea what to do. The demons in my head won't go away. They're having fun riding the carousel.

Round and round and round and round and round...

Please stop!

Silent Scream!

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(Even when it's full throated, there's no one to hear!)

"Not...

...you. Sorry!"

It will never be you. Because there's always someone better.

You see, it's a beautiful world and she won't ever be loved!

Philadelphia!

What would you do if your most cherished person in the world were to look you in the eye from a hospital bed, take off the oxygen mask, and say, "I'm ready"?

Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington and Antonio Banderas - 3 wonderful actors, 2 of them bordering on 'all time greats' - all 3 of them make one wonderful movie. And make an indelible classic movie moment!

And leave behind a throbbing question!

It's a beautiful world!

For quite some time now I've been grappling with this title, also the title of a song sung by the inimitable Louis Armstrong. If you ask me why this was so, I wouldn't be able to give a very coherent or logical answer. But then nothing about me seems coherent or logical. Emotional? Oh yes!

I guess the answer really lies in the baggage that one has carried over the years. About the physiognomy of 'beauty' and the definitions that have been bandied about and the perceptions formed thus.

So when you grow up and people say 'dark is beautiful' you look aghast and ask in a sarcasm tinged voice, 'Oh really now!' When people say fat is not ugly because it's about the personality, you do a silent moue. Reed thin I believe is out and slim and curvy is in. Skinny jeans on skinny legs is in though. And if you're flat-chested it's great for the ramp honey, but when it comes to the men, sorry girl, but you've got to have knockers. And if you're short, wear glasses or don't have great hair or legs or skin, then the woman might just say as well bid adieu to any kind of future with a man. Her perception of men and her place in the world would be forever 'coloured'. In fact surveys have revealed that beautiful people earn more and are perceived to be good people and have it easier than the rest of the world that is not so bountifully endowed.

And then sometimes, just sometimes you actually feel cocooned by the thought that hey, people like you for who you are and not the way you look. People includes the men of course. And then just when you're snuggling in the comfort of the quilted cocoon, there comes the downer. Men like it 'hot'. Whatever their definition of that may be. If you're like the boys, then you're doomed. It's ok to trample over your feelings, it's ok to treat you like....yes, one of the boys, it's ok to think that you don't need the attention, it's ok to take umbrage if you take umbrage at anything that you may find offensive, it's ok to treat other women with more sensitivity, and well...it's ok.
And somewhere in the melee of the echoing ok, you begin to wonder if there's something the matter with yourself. Is it self-esteem? Is it self-belief? Is it not loving oneself? Questions that are difficult to answer. Questions where the answers have to be adapted to the mood, the person, the age, the era and the context. For kid yourself not, people are unkind and ruthless and crave for beauty. They could kill for beauty or go under the knife so to speak.

But I think it's also a personal point of view. And of course it's also a lot of personal angst. So naturally this post would seem biased, illogical, all-over-the-place and what-not. So be it. It's my page, my sphere, my space and my thoughts.

I'm not sure how to end this post. I can't think of anything clever. Can you?

The Battle of the Bulge & Other Stories

Yes! So I'm old and fat and ugly! There! I've said it. It hurts like hell man...really!

Have you ever heard of someone who puts on weight even after 3 months of fairly regular gymming and dieting? Well I have. In fact I know this person too. She's really weighed down by her troubles! H-E-L-P!!!

(Ok! The other stories can wait for another day. There's a bag full where this came from, but then, honestly who gives a flying F#$K about an old, ugly and depressed lady!)

Trivia: The world moves - something about the earth rotating around the sun and the moon around the earth and all that.

But she finds her life doesn't. She seems rooted to bad luck like leeches to a tender calf. She's at a point in her life - it's called standstill.

Why does reality bite?

Guess because we're all fools living in a make-believe world hoping and wishing and praying that reality was anything but armed and toothed.

Sigh! But reality does bite and how!

(She still waits breathlessly for her answer - she knows she'll have a long wait. And for some to be loved comes so easy. Why not me?)

Will she be loved?

She waits breathlessly for the answer.

Holding on!

Sometimes I wonder why we hold on to things, memories, people and relationships even when it's well past its expiry date?

I guess that's why the phrase 'let go' is so bloody important. At least it is in my life. It seems to crop up with amazing alacrity and regularity. Which goes to show how many things clutter my life.

But let me share with you a simple thing that I know helps - if it helps you (who the f$#% am I talking to anyway, I think I'm suffering from delusions among other things) then great!

Every 6-8 weeks, I've started cleanig out my wardrobe. And once in 6 months I clean out my files, bill pile, clothes pile, lingerie pile, cuttings, etc., etc. Once all the 'piles' are cleared, you have to experience the sense of relief to believe it. Maybe that is what letting go is all about. And no pangs of regret, guilt, heavy conscience, nothing. Out it goes and out it stays. Boy oh boy that's a relief!

Of course it might not be the panacea for all the ills plaguing our impressionable minds, but hey, it works for me. So whatever works for you ok?

For my friends who're going through losses in life - what can I say except, hold on, hang in and let go. Time will be your salve. And you will emerge calmer, wiser and at peace - provided you're willing to accept what you've got to live without. (There's always a catch cause there ain't no free lunches - it sucks, I know).

(And you thought I had nothing to say! Well, both you and I thought wrong!)

Writer's block?!

I am still at my wit's end as I have nothing to write. Well, that's not true, I do have something to write, we all do, but nothing that I want to put up on a public forum (just imagine if the 'l' had slipped out of that word, would that have been a Freudian slip?).

Lots of things have happened over the past 3 weeks since my last post. Like everyday life and all that. But has anything extraordinary happened? Well...I'm not sure what we all mean by extraordinary - I can't seem to really confine it to any specific and satisfying definition. Because honestly living everyday in a manic city and retaining one's sanity in itself is extraordinary.

Anyway, what's the point in debating about non-issues and content that is of no consequence? I have nothing to say and I seem to be belabouring on that one point.

I have nothing to say that anyone including me wants to read. I'm suffering pangs of jealousy because a very good friend of mine called Baboon has a legion of followers and I don't...:( I guess my idea of being a writer has to be overhauled and probably be given a shove outta the bathroom window.

I've been feeling out of sorts for a very long time. It's like a 3 week-hang over. It refuses to budge inspite of many positive things happening. Maybe because it's...oh chuck it. I have nothing to say.

And no one has anything to say to me either. I don't know which is worse.