The Conditional 'Unconditional'

Ere I begin this post of mine - just wanted to express that the experience of having a bath enveloped in candlelight is always a uniquely 'revealing' experience.

I had bath by 'candlelight' today. There was no power. Thank God for small mercies! That's where a lot of my posts are born. In the confines of my bathroom where my emotions and thoughts are naked for me to feel, touch, smile, grimace sometimes at the rawness of it all. The 'naked' truth as it were.

The truth in question this time being - is there anything 'unconditional' at all?

Come to think of it, unconditional love, adoration, loyalty, hate, respect, admiration, jealousy, competitiveness, is really not so unconditional after all.

There is a fine print with 'terms and conditions' attached. Read it. You might be horrified at what you find. I wasn't. I was just deeply unhappy (that's a malaise I need to quickly get rid of - pronto pronto pronto).

We're all hypocrites. Genuinely nice, lovely, decent hypocrites. Because yes...because...that's the culprit. There's always a 'because'.

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Skin

So I went and had a hair cut. I spent an obscene amount of money trying to get a 'make over' - anything to look different, exciting, sexy, younger, 'hot' - actually anything to look beguilingly ehtereal. Hah! The hair looks nice. Do I? Now that's another question based on a whole lot of conditions.

Once done, with a confidence that was all 'made up' I checked out the latest 'Nautica' store - a supposed super-premium brand that is the world's largest Nautica store (trivia that the super gracious, friendly and courteous staff let me in on). Trendy, uber casual, urban and for the young and brimming with youth-kind-of persona. But then aspirations are like that last piece of your favourite chocolate, which you just can't resist even though you know it's sinful - so I go about feeling, looking, admiring, wishing, aspiring, listening, chatting and sighing (inwardly) - then I make a bold move - I ask to try on a halter (something that is just so not 'me' but I couldn't resist that one) - nervously I try on two - both look awesome - up front - then I turn my back and see what I've tried to be blind to - skin. I hate my skin. I look at myself in the beautiful full length extremely flattering mirror and shrug my shoulders and say, 'Nah! not you...' and keep that piece of raiment back where it belongs - on a hanger - for someone full of confidence, attitude and a great body to try on - someone, anyone, but not me.

I'm conditioned. To believe. Only if 'it's creamy, alabaster like, freckle-less, hairless, acneless, wartless' is it perfect. Preferably a certain colour tending towards fair - don't know what the CMYK percentages would be. (Who cares! Fair is it).

I'm conditioned. Skin comes with its own terms and conditions. It may be mine. But I don't love it unconditionally. I should. It's who I am. It's what you see. What I see everyday. It's my ally, my best friend, my best cover-up, my most important disguise.

So?

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I love 'because'
I like 'only if'
I want 'if it will'
I respect 'since'
I need 'because (again) I think'
I give 'as it can'
I expect 'only because'
I touch 'as I think it may'


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I think therefore I am.

I express, therefore I am.

Therefore... always a therefore. (Here a therefore, there a therefore, everywhere a therefore.)

Only if....