Laugh!

Sense of humour is so important. So bloody important. I wish my parents had dropped me on my head when I was wee. But alas, that was not to be. And here I am. Older, not wiser, getting frumpier, grumpier and will soon be called the 'Frumpy, tight-assed, friggin' bitch'. Maybe am already called that.

Why are birthdays special? Why does everyone wish 'Happy Birthday'? Is there nothing else to say or wish for on this supposedly special day? And why are they supposed to be 'happy'?

Woken up at 2.00 am. Rohan. Surprise surprise. Very pleasant surprise. Very touched. Suddenly the years melt away.

Woken up at 6.10 am. Gauri. Yet another surprise. Very touched.

And then the stream of messages. The stream of calls. Some expected. Some not so.

And then in a fit of desperation, and wanting the arc lights, the msg goes out to some. Shameless. But who cares? As long as the warmth flows in, honestly who the hell cares?

I worry about -
A dear friend has stopped writing his blog. Entreaties haven't worked. Why? Please start again Irf. Please. I'm the one living in the Age of the Great Depression. What happened to you buddy?

I'm touched by -
A dear friend from the army calling up from a remote area in J & K where the telecommunication lines are so lousy that to make a call you need 10 clearances, just to wish on a birthday.

An ex-colleague calling up - especially when one hasn't 'touched base' in over 4 months.

Un-known guy actually heeding a request on a blog. That's so sweet.

It feels good to know that there are people who care - all around the world. People who (I hope) like this person for who she is. Non-judgmental, unmindful of the aberrations, impervious to mood swings, fine lines or crow's feet, the sags or the bags, they hang on. They love. They cherish. They care. So what if they forget sometimes?

Thank you.

(Am I beginning to sound like a junkie? Disjointed, disconnected, disembodied? Awww, well... c'est moi!)

Uh oh, out of breath!

Once upon a time there was... nah!

And there she was, watching the world turn ...(can you start a story like that?)

Push, push! Harder, harder Mrs.M, push. Yes, you're doing good. Harder. She's almost out. One last heave. There! (and the howl of the baby...a baby , with dark hair, dark eyes and dark skin, greeting the onlookers of the drama of creation coming to life).

Eons ago a baby howled. The warmth of a womb disrupted and the world was let loose upon the child.

Life comes of age. Life is touched. Life learns to sing, dance, love, laugh and of course hurt and cry. Life loves to make the simple complicated.

Life grows with hope. Life believes that the world is its oyster. It's this huge theater and life's got a cameo and what a cameo!

Life makes friends with other lives. Life slowly begins to understand and gets drawn into the quagmire of life itself. Inexorably drawn into the maze of love, deceit, betrayal, cunning, and the shenanigans of politics. Aah life, whither innocence!

Today life has come of age. Yet again. The child has grown.

Happy birthday to you child.

(I hate this post. Well begun,but not well written. But I'm not deleting it.)

Compelled!

Her only salve is her recourse to words. She feels compelled thus, to take recourse to this balm.

Is life compelling enough to live for or compelling enough to die for?

Aberration!

That is her first name. Middle name. Last name.

She's tried living life on the edge. Now she's on the edge.

She's been a couch potato this weekend.

Something's Gotta Give - she's Erica Jane Barry - lots of moments she identifies with - she wants to be a writer like Erica - her birthday strangely is in January too like Erica's - she has younger men wanting to be with her - what a strange co-incidence - but she's still looking...

For the Love of the Game - she's Billy Chapell when he sits by the bed at night, goes through the phone messages in hope and breaks down when there are none - that night is the biggest day of his life when the world hails him as hero - but he has no one to share it with - oh yes, she is Billy then, she is Billy now.

Storytelling on Vh1 - She hears Dave Mathews Band - she hears Coldplay - she remembers. Her memory strangles her slowly with its vice-like grip.

She has a birthday coming up over the weekend. She has a wish-list. But no one's asking, no one's listening, no one's there.

She sits alone. She ponders. She wants the 'Big Sleep'. Her lips quiver, her silent voice quavers. She knows she is an aberration. The known and the unknown envelope her world. She tastes the salt of the sea. On her cheeks. On her lips. Her body is racked by years and years and years of ... just ellipses. Her soul's eclipsed by the black. Of the Sea of ...Ness. Emptiness. Nothingness. Loneliness. Coldness.

Her life is a wasteland. She looks at her face in the mirror. She pulls at the corner of her chapped lips to form a smile. The face looking back at her grimaces, contorts, and the eyes look vacantly at a beyond. A beyond leading nowhere.

When will she be released? Her wait begins...

Hark ye all, here cometh 2006!

Aww! Another year is at the door, playing 'knock knock' jokes! Another year, phew! The 'best of 2005' lists are out in full measure - newspapers, magazines, blogs, books, websites and more.
Ugh! Same old stories regurgitated, just to refresh choc-a-bloc memories. Poor us. How much we try to remember, how much we try to cram, uff!

Just got back from KL this morning at 1.30 am. Slept through most of the day. The KL experience and some indelible moments deserve a separate blog. :)... (Suffice to say, my presentation rocked and how! yoo hoo! woo woo woo!)

Was reading comments on my blog this noon by the 'unknown guy' who has a name. I know who he is (by way of the connection that I do not wish to name here at this point in time), but I'm not sure how he got here and why! I think this privacy of mine which has been torn asunder would cast a kind of unnecessary pressure on my blogs which I've been guarding with zeal. I know, I know this is the Net and everything is public and blah blah blah, but barring 5 people no one knew of this blog. The person that I do not wish to name here (it causes me immense pain and grief to even think of this person and some amount of anger) knew of it, but I daresay would've not cared to remember this as....hold on! Why am I going on like this? What's the point? On New Year? In 2006? Get a hold on yourself lady! The glass of wine ain't doing you any good. You're rambling. You're a year older. The birthday looming large 2 weeks hence ain't helping either am sure. The greys which've been successfully and nicely covered by the ingredients of a plastic satchet bearing the brand name L'Oreal aren't helping either. The year gone by and the 'so what did I do' rewind trip with none too successful an answer ain't helping either. The sheer inundation of the mind by information of all sorts, the crowding of thoughts, the surfacing of forgotten emotions, no siree, nope, they ain't helping either.

It's New Year. 2006! Am sitting with a glass of red sweet wine, licking my lips in the aftermath of the swallow, savoring my solitude with music in the background, thinking about Shahid Kapoor's biceps, thinking about stuff that I just finished reading, the cold, chilly biting wind outside, the warmth of my quilt, the worry lines on my forehead thinking 'what will I do without ma', and worrying about dying alone, about no one giving me a decent burial, about all the so-called acquaintances and loved ones deserting me and me dying like the millions of unknown, unsung deaths - yes, that worries me - and of course about the looming Monday and the 'ideas' that I've to generate, the trip that I just managed to grin and bear (and I think I did it with great equanimity), the sheer obliteration of memory of the past 4 years' new year's eve (where the friggin' hell was I and what did I do? damn! it's like Paycheck), and the usual this and that and weight and hair and thickening thighs and waist problems that are now having me gulp that wine down with greater speed.

There's much in this world that I do not understand. There's much in this world that gives me grief. There's much in this world I do not know (and I do not wish to either, I want to be erudite, but I don't want to know 'everything', because then it takes the excitement out of living) and there's much in this world that I want to experience. Yes siree, I want to live life on the edge and so far have managed to inch close to the precipice, but there's a few feet to go before I can dangle precariously betwixt the decision of hope and hopelessness, between life and oblivion. Yo! I know that (hic!) er...umm...yeah, so as I was saying (God, wine is potent and the only drink that has got me drunk so far, ever, so let's bring it on, 'pour some more'), what was I saying? My head's gone for a spin on the highway to nowhere fuelled by some deep red sweet tasting stuff. Hic. Excuse me puhleeeze!

I bought a Nikon Cool Pix S3 from KL. My only indulgence besides Body Shop and underwear. I think I'll become a shutter bug tomorrow and try it out. It's sleek, (it's not silver, boo hoo hoo), it cost me a finger, it was slightly impulsive, am not into cameras and 'say cheese', but I still bought it. What's next on the list? Music system, a fancy TV and a nicer car. Boy friends, clothes, fatter salary, recognition for super work, great food and sex, travel can wait their turn in that order. Bah! Hah! Ho hum! I think I will gift World Space to ma...it's so much cheaper now. And should I go in for Onkyo or a Sony or go for a 'put together' music system? Hmmm! Decisions decisions! The New Year is already full up. :)

This year, I will keep my resolutions to a bare minimum. Depression to be kept at bay for sure. That's a first. I've already asked for references for a good 'couch' therapist :). I will love myself and pamper myself (one is alone and always will be, everyone and everything is an illusion, including life) silly. Keeping self happy has to and will occupy 'prime time' and hope it gets high TRP ratings. The rest will follow.

See New. Hear New. Feel New. The new 'mantra' for 2006.

This post is lousy, disjointed (like most of my posts, and I can safely blame it on the Port No. 5 wine from Goa as the culprit for the slight inebriation and thus the sheer nonsensical content of this post - such a relief to blame something else!) and I'm going to be out like a light now. Have to go pick up ma from the 'chug chug gaadi' station.

For all those who read my posts, for all those who don't, for those who I love, cherish, for all those who don't return the emotion, for all those who I've involuntarily caused pain, and for all those who've added the much needed colour to my otherwise drab life, here's looking at you!

I will be taking a break from blogging for a while.Tempus edax rerum! (For those who do not know what this means, read my posts...:)) Sigh! I wish I had a legion of fans begging me not to do this ( I oh so love to play grandstanding), but for my peace of mind, I need to.

Love you all guys and girls. Continue to dot my life because if you didn't, I'd be a big dash. With nothing to fill in that blank.

So what's at stake for you in 2006?

Hic!