"Heaven is...
...to make sense of your yesterdays." (from 'Five People You Meet in Heaven' by Mitch Albom).
Perhaps it is true.
My yesterdays for some time now, have become seemingly senseless. Every day seems like many other. Saturday seems like Monday and Sunday like a Wednesday. It doesn't matter. Work has become my antidote to anger, sadness, and nothingness. (How can there be nothingness when I have anger and sadness for company?) But work has also become stressful. Work has been exciting, sometimes fulfilling, very satisfying and challenging. I've learnt much in these past few weeks. My learnings? That there is only self to blame, to love, to cherish, to inspire, to challenge, to free, to aspire, to fear and to achieve. I am my own worst enemy or my best friend. I can choose who I want. I've always been my own worst enemy. I'm fast learning that it's I and I alone who can choose happiness to dwell within or shoo it out from my soul.
I'm learning to choose well. (That's a lie! As usual I'm full of contradictions. But I'm learning to accept self....:) )
My yesterday was numbing. After having toiled for almost 24 hrs non-stop, I step out in the dark of the rain and a starless sky at around 11.00 pm, after having a very moving conversation with my boss, only to find one of my fears staring me in the face, and grinning evilly at me saying, 'Yes, I came true'. My car wasn't where I parked it. Strangely I didn't panic. I didn't crumble. I didn't falter. I just called ma. I had to call someone. (Was that panic making a guest appearance?). I raced up the 3 flight of stairs to office where luckily I had my boss and colleague just about to leave and told them of the 'vanishing act'. My boss and my colleague quickly accompanied me to the nearest police station. Only to find it dank, dark and deserted. Raced over to the next cop station. Two cops, no towed car. One then gave a number of some control station which he said would provide information on towed cars. My colleague called. They said they'd get back in 10 mins. I asked the cops about making a report for theft. They directed me to the police station under whose jurisdiction the area fell under. I sighed. I was numb. My boss, my colleague and I started for yet another cop station. On the way my boss made light of the matter saying it was time for me to upgrade. And we talked of cars. And I thought of insurance and how my papers were in the car, my music CDs, my beloved music system and my beloved car. The cell phone rang. News. My car was in Queen's Road police station. Relief. Call to ma. Drop boss home. Taxi takes another 20 mins to reach home. I don't know how to react. I'm normal. No dance of joy, no tears of relief, no chewed nails, no nothing. That was yesterday. Rough day. Senseless day. Don't know why things happen the way they do.
I go this morning to collect my car. When I see it in the compound of the police station, my heart pounds, I yell to the auto driver, 'That's my car' and I go in to pay my fine - 400 green ones. I dish out a crisp Rs.500/- note and ask for the receipt. I'm told to come in the afternoon to collect the same. The officer who has the challan book is on duty (towing other vehicles). He makes a note of my car # and name on the 500 rupee note. I sigh! I shake my head at the senselessness. I drive away. I doggedly go back in the evening to collect my receipt only to be told to come back tomorrow at 10.00 am to collect it. Except for shaking my head and cursing under my breath I don't vent my spleen as I'm wont to. As I'm getting into the car, I hear a shout 'Madam'. I turn around to find the officer (is he an officer? he was in plain clothes in the morning, no badge, no cop hat) gesticulating and asking another man (sorry, this plain clothes guy too is an officer) to accompany me to the traffic cop who is the dispenser of the challan. We go. We see. We wait. I get my receipt. I make a feeble attempt at trying to ask the challan dispenser who is my man of the moment, my tormentor, why did he tow away my car when it was not parked in a 'no parking' zone. I argue a bit about the 'no parking' board. I ask how on earth is one supposed to glean about a 'towed' car and why can't the cops make an attempt to inform the owner? Well...that is about today. Which will soon become yesterday tomorrow. Will soon become senseless.
I guess I'll have to wait to meet the Maker to solve the mystery of my yesterdays. I guess I won't have to wait long. At the rate my life is going, everyday is a blur. My head bursts, my heart aches and pressure soars, my blood rushes.
I think I'll go cry. It helps to relieve the pressure, the tension and clears my eyes.
Oh by the way Irf, I think about my father too. I wonder why, where, when, if...there's too much angst. I'll let it rest here. Or my date with Heaven will be faster than I imagined.
Heaven is a place on earth. Or is it?
Perhaps it is true.
My yesterdays for some time now, have become seemingly senseless. Every day seems like many other. Saturday seems like Monday and Sunday like a Wednesday. It doesn't matter. Work has become my antidote to anger, sadness, and nothingness. (How can there be nothingness when I have anger and sadness for company?) But work has also become stressful. Work has been exciting, sometimes fulfilling, very satisfying and challenging. I've learnt much in these past few weeks. My learnings? That there is only self to blame, to love, to cherish, to inspire, to challenge, to free, to aspire, to fear and to achieve. I am my own worst enemy or my best friend. I can choose who I want. I've always been my own worst enemy. I'm fast learning that it's I and I alone who can choose happiness to dwell within or shoo it out from my soul.
I'm learning to choose well. (That's a lie! As usual I'm full of contradictions. But I'm learning to accept self....:) )
My yesterday was numbing. After having toiled for almost 24 hrs non-stop, I step out in the dark of the rain and a starless sky at around 11.00 pm, after having a very moving conversation with my boss, only to find one of my fears staring me in the face, and grinning evilly at me saying, 'Yes, I came true'. My car wasn't where I parked it. Strangely I didn't panic. I didn't crumble. I didn't falter. I just called ma. I had to call someone. (Was that panic making a guest appearance?). I raced up the 3 flight of stairs to office where luckily I had my boss and colleague just about to leave and told them of the 'vanishing act'. My boss and my colleague quickly accompanied me to the nearest police station. Only to find it dank, dark and deserted. Raced over to the next cop station. Two cops, no towed car. One then gave a number of some control station which he said would provide information on towed cars. My colleague called. They said they'd get back in 10 mins. I asked the cops about making a report for theft. They directed me to the police station under whose jurisdiction the area fell under. I sighed. I was numb. My boss, my colleague and I started for yet another cop station. On the way my boss made light of the matter saying it was time for me to upgrade. And we talked of cars. And I thought of insurance and how my papers were in the car, my music CDs, my beloved music system and my beloved car. The cell phone rang. News. My car was in Queen's Road police station. Relief. Call to ma. Drop boss home. Taxi takes another 20 mins to reach home. I don't know how to react. I'm normal. No dance of joy, no tears of relief, no chewed nails, no nothing. That was yesterday. Rough day. Senseless day. Don't know why things happen the way they do.
I go this morning to collect my car. When I see it in the compound of the police station, my heart pounds, I yell to the auto driver, 'That's my car' and I go in to pay my fine - 400 green ones. I dish out a crisp Rs.500/- note and ask for the receipt. I'm told to come in the afternoon to collect the same. The officer who has the challan book is on duty (towing other vehicles). He makes a note of my car # and name on the 500 rupee note. I sigh! I shake my head at the senselessness. I drive away. I doggedly go back in the evening to collect my receipt only to be told to come back tomorrow at 10.00 am to collect it. Except for shaking my head and cursing under my breath I don't vent my spleen as I'm wont to. As I'm getting into the car, I hear a shout 'Madam'. I turn around to find the officer (is he an officer? he was in plain clothes in the morning, no badge, no cop hat) gesticulating and asking another man (sorry, this plain clothes guy too is an officer) to accompany me to the traffic cop who is the dispenser of the challan. We go. We see. We wait. I get my receipt. I make a feeble attempt at trying to ask the challan dispenser who is my man of the moment, my tormentor, why did he tow away my car when it was not parked in a 'no parking' zone. I argue a bit about the 'no parking' board. I ask how on earth is one supposed to glean about a 'towed' car and why can't the cops make an attempt to inform the owner? Well...that is about today. Which will soon become yesterday tomorrow. Will soon become senseless.
I guess I'll have to wait to meet the Maker to solve the mystery of my yesterdays. I guess I won't have to wait long. At the rate my life is going, everyday is a blur. My head bursts, my heart aches and pressure soars, my blood rushes.
I think I'll go cry. It helps to relieve the pressure, the tension and clears my eyes.
Oh by the way Irf, I think about my father too. I wonder why, where, when, if...there's too much angst. I'll let it rest here. Or my date with Heaven will be faster than I imagined.
Heaven is a place on earth. Or is it?
posted by Livin @ 11/26/2005 10:11:00 PM
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