Warning!First off - I'm not going to condemn or be apologetic about my post this time. I'm always self-deprecating and I think I've had enough of it. Yes of course there is an overwhelming need to be as transparent as Saint-Gobain (which manufactures glass), but that's who I am, and this here, is who I am too.
So to continue...
I was driving. And of course when I drive, I shout, I sing, I talk, I listen and I think. And many a times, my thoughts veer towards the negative, the depressing, the black. Lots of black. And so it was when it hit me - the realization and it left a gaping hole in my soul.
Path to realization - II attended a very dear friend's wedding in Mumbai last weekend. I especially flew down for it as I don't live in Mumbai any more. Besides attending her wedding I had an agenda - I had to meet 3 important friends of mine for various reasons. I refrained from telling all of my friends that I was there as then I'd have to decline invitations to meet up with them. So 3 + 1 = 4, four friends to meet and greet and I'd be happy. But I spoke to a couple more, which was fine by me.
At the wedding, my friend S had a whole bunch of friends attending it. Which is au naturel. But what was heartening to note was that her friends from school, college and various companies she'd worked with in her career attended from various parts of the globe. It was wonderful camaraderie and a wonderful feeling for her to be so cherished.
Path to realization - III visited another friend of mine who'd bought a flat in Mumbai - the ubiquitous 2BHK. She's a very dear friend (also S - yes many of my friends have names starting with S) and I've known her for well nigh 15 years. She'd suffered in the Mumbai rains and she recounted the horrific tales of her plight and her parents' at her almost submerged home. She narrated scenes of faith, blind devotion, help and support that emanated from her relatives and colleagues at work.
And back to today and driving...
I realized:
a) I had more than a handful of friends whom I've known for more than a decade at least. But did I really know them? Being geographically apart I used to think, was not such a big deal, but actually, come to think of it, it does increase the distance between friends.
b) My friends don't have the time for me - it's always I who has to make the time for them. If they're visiting my city, I have to make the time and the adjustments with my job and life (which I did willingly so far, now I don't know if I want to) to meet up with them. When I visit their city, I'm the one on vacation, so I have to make the time to visit them at their convenience. Questions of course are bandied about - why can't we meet? oh, so you are booked as you have so many friends to catch up with? can't you make it even for 2 hrs? (yeah sure, just getting to your place will take me 2 hrs mate and why can't you come and see me dammit!)
c) God forbid if I were to ever get married! I know that none of my friends who're all over the world would come for it. After all, hey, it'd be inconvenient a time, it'd be expensive and they all have commitments you know - husband, in-laws, children, relatives, etc. - so why bother...just a SMS or a call or an email (which I doubt very much) and life could go on.
d) I've always tried to keep in touch in my own way with all my friends. I've written emails albeit infrequently (sure, but compared to their non-existent ones, at least I'm better off), called up, visited and lately even sent SMSes. But obviously I'm the favoured one, as 9 out of 10 wouldn't respond, or tell me in no uncertain terms about 'stop giving gyan'. So I did. All I did was send out a Diwali greeting (and I never send forwards, I always pride on my originality) and I got very tepid, lukewarm, and few responses. One of them went to the extent of saying, 'thank you for all the gyan'. Well...
e) If I were to ever ask friends to lend me money or lend me a helping hand, I know that no one would honestly bother.
f) I I were to suffer a death in the family, (if my ma passed away), I know no one would come for her funeral. After all, I live in another city, right? Who has the time? 'Oh we're so so so sorry'...calls probably, but being here...naaaah!
g) When I left for this city 5 years ago (almost to the day), I had no one coming to see me off, except my ex-boss.
I've realized that you get the friends that you deserve. They're an extension of you, your personality, and they give back to you what you give to them. It just goes to show the kind of person I am. Yes, if all the homilies of 'you are alone' 'no expectations', etc., could work, they'd have worked by now. It goes to prove that my friends are super, it's I who am lousy.
Well, I always knew it. And then realization hit me. Yes! I am alone and friendless and unloved. No one really cares. And as I grow older day by day by day, this fact's brought home with a bang. After all, everyone has crosses to bear and their cross is immensely heavier than mine. I'm single, I have a very small family, I have no life, after all if anything were to upset me, it could only be one of 2 things - work or men - like there's nothing else in my life at all eh? - I earn and I should always be the one to go visiting, calling, writing, emailing, SMSing, asking, accommodating, making time, enquiring. And what's worse is, at least if I was doing brilliantly in my career and was some hot shot, or was amazingly pretty, or amazingly intelligent, at least I'd have these confidence boosters to keep me going. I don't have that either.
I've also realized that I will never be a writer. Because I have nothing to write about. And no one wants to read sad, depressing, self-centred stuff about life.
So yeah, I've realized that blogging doesn't give me pleasure any more. As it used to when I started. I've got to move on. Move on beyond blogging, beyond friends, beyond self. Move on where I have not a clue, but move on I must.
I've realized that I will not care as much about everyone as I used to. Whoever, wherever they may be. My motto will be ' you want, you come and get' and I will give only if it's convenient to me, my time, my moods, my needs, my abilities. Otherwise, bollocks to you!
(This venting of spleen makes me feel good. The last time my own post gave me so much relief.)
For a few online friends out there:
Pruv - don't read my blog no more - cause you're young and talented and sensitive and intelligent - you need to find inspiration and so keep writing and keep trying - it will happen.
VG - what do I tell you? you don't come here anyway and good for you. Hope your sausages give you a good time and continue with your erotica. Hope you find
the woman through your posts.
Lady Dee - she's fallen off the face of the earth, so wherever you are, peace be with you.
Irfan - you've got your crosses to bear and you never write nor do you pay heed to my entreaties for you to recommence writing. Take care and hope life turns out well for you.
Sundry others - Hail the blogging community and continue with your views, opinions, lists, raves and rants, angst, and what not. Life is... and you all are!
Adios!
