Nadir!

Right. I'm at the nadir. And waiting for the sun to rise and the horizon to embrace me, seems too tedious. I want things to happen NOW! But they never do.

So I have a bunch of things that I want to get out of my system - vent my spleen so to speak - however nonsensical and illogical and without a common thread they may be as they always are.

List of something, everything and nothing!

1. I'm fed up of my blog. There are some pieces in there which are a joy to read even if I myself say so and most pieces which are either self-deprecating or self-flagellation or too full of myself and my woes. The world's full of lots of similar, dull, 'help-me-I'm-so-sad' sob stories, so perhaps it's time to wake up and smell the java beans!
2. There's an interesting section of blogs I read yesterday, which had the same contributors, who're writing about books, lists, movie reviews, recipes and their own diaries - different blogs, same contributors, good stuff.
3. I read an interesting piece by Bill Kirkman in the Sunday Hindu magazine section 'Childhood then and now'. This article in itself would merit a blog because it deals with a very topical issue - our childhood. Very well articulated.
4. A line that has been haunting me since I read it yesterday - What and where is the dividing line between sanity and madness? - I'm riding that very fine line as I write this.
5. Positivity - however liberated a woman is, in the way she thinks, lives, works - I wonder if she needs a man to vindicate her existence? I wonder if at the heart of it all, women who are single for various reasons are lonely but put up a brave fight of showing to the world that they don't need the men and if it's all a farce? In fact what about the women who have partners - are they lonely too? Is loneliness a malaise of epidemic proportions? Is it really about being positive and hopeful and courageous and confident and all that jazz? Or is it just about putting up a brave front and standing like the proverbial oak, to watch the hurricane of loneliness rip through your heart and soul and drench you with the shrapnel of nothingness and beyond? I don't know.
6. Eggs sunny side up are nice. Eggs are nice for breakfast. But try some natural peach preserve on tasteless crackers and they're finger lickin' delicious.
7. I want, desperately, to see, yes, not just hear it aloud, but see it, like in a crystal ball, my future. I give a rat's a*&# if it means taking the 'joy out of living'. Ha ha! Joy out of living indeed!
8. So when people say, 'Don't pity yourself' and 'Stop feeling bad for yourself' I ask, why not? I mean hey, only if I love myself and respect myself do I get to feel bad for things that don't go my way right? What's pitiable about that? Why is pity made out to be such a 4-letter b@#$&*d word? Yes, I have expectations for myself. Yes, I feel miserable when I lose a fight. Yes, I feel miserable when people don't turn out as you expected them to. So I wish, and I wish and I wish and I feel bad. What's wrong with that? So yeah, I let it reside within me for a few days, I mull, brood, cry, feel completely wrecked and then clutch on to the motes of dust that float on the beam of sun that streams into my room and awakens me to a new dawn everyday without fail. So feeling bad for oneself can't be all bad? Wanting more or wanting the best for oneself can't be bad! And when inexplicably things, situations, people, events, don't turn up kosher, time after time after time after time, can you blame self if it wants to be like a manic dervish dancing feverishly to a beat that probably resembles the beat of an ancient African tribal/cannibal ritual? So yes, I feel bad for myself and my middle finger for anyone who says 'come off it'.
9. Do I have a list of 10 favourite books? I couldn't name beyond 3 or 4. So I promptly go and buy me some more to see if I can come up with that magic number. Ten!
10. Some of the blogs I read have become my daily dose of insight. VG as usual is unabashedly anti-establishment and pro sex and uninhibited in the way he writes about what he feels. More grist to the mill VG and I love you. I may not agree with everything you say, but that's the point isn't it - we agree to disagree? 3 cheers to you. Pruv is going through some personal loss and I wish him loads of support. Dee seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. Hope she's ok wherever she is. Post continues to write and I read her very irregularly. My good friend Irf has forgotten how to write which causes me immense sadness. Some other readers of mine have forgotten my blog and that causes me immense sadness.

I'd like to end with the lyrics of a beautiful Beatles song that I grew up listening to - a favourite, an idea, and hope all rolled into one - ladies and gentlemen, I give you, 'In My Life'

There are places I remember, all my life,

Some have changed, some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

P.S. - I'm still at the nadir!