Dear Mister God

I don't know if you're there. I don't know if you're there and busy. I don't know whose woes you are listening to, whose supplications are being given priority. I know it's not mine. I know I'm nowhere on your radar. I'm not even a bloody blimp on it.

But when you do get the time, someday, please do tell me why. I hate that question, 'why' but I still have to ask it . What did I ever do to merit this...this...I'm at a loss for words. Why me? All I did was care. All I do is care. All I get in return is so much hurt and pain.

Is this some trial by fire? Why? I don't need this right now. It's my mistake. Yet again. To give someone the power to hurt me so. I'm wrong. Have always been. But at least give me credit for trying - for trying not to let it matter - for putting up a brave front - for trying to be me. Is that wrong? How can you just push me at the deep end and have a laugh while I'm floundering?

I'm hurting so bad and all you do is watch. Dear Mister God, I'm not Anna, but hey, I love you as much. Why are you hell bent on twisting the knife in me so deep? I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask? In fact I don't even ask that now do I? I gave up a long time ago...but every time all you do is give me pain... I can't take it no more. I don't ask, I don't hope, I don't dream, I don't make a nuisance of myself, I'm just trying to move on... the only thing I do wrong is sometimes ask why. You never ever answer me, and I don't even ask why so often. I guess I'm your favorite child eh? I'm delighted at your wonderfully unique way of showing how much you care. Thanks mister.

I'm lost. I'm broken. I'm this close to losing it. This close. Can I ask you for just a little bit of strength? Please? Just to carry on. Don't give me happiness. That'd be too much to stomach and I'd probably get ulcers. Just a little bit of strength. And tons of humour. I need to laugh. Even through my curtain of tears, I need to laugh. Don't do this to me please. Dear God, please help me.

I thought I heard you laughing...
I think I saw you cry...(try?)..
(Oh!) That was just a dream...
That's me in the corner...
I don't know if I can do it...
I have said too much...

Mister God, this ain't Anna, but among all the squillions of people, I'd really appreciate it if you could just turn to me once in a while. And listen to my heart.

Broken, bruised, shattered and helpless.

R