How essential is self-belief?

Who hasn't heard or read innumerable new-age, old-age and whatever-age gurus, self professed experts about the importance of self-belief? Everyone has, am sure at some point in time, paused and wondered, 'what is self-belief?'

I have for sure. I've always wondered, what is self-belief? I mean, how does it feel to have or not have one? How does one even recognize if one is the possessor of such attribute metnioned hereabove?

For instance, does it feel like a lump in the throat when you see a mushy movie or bid a dear friend adieu at the airport or at any terminus? Does it feel like the thump in your heart when you see his dimpled smile or recognize her perfume from among the many splendored and doused bodies that glide through the shopping mall? Would it come announcing itself, saying, 'Knock, knock, anybody home? I'm this homeless stranger called SB and was wondering if you'd be kind enough to shelter me till such time I'm driven out by self-defeating thoughts?' What is its garb and how heavy or light is it? Is it coloured like a rainbow?

Nope. I don't have an answer. I believe it's like a mother-child relationship. Even if the mother has not set eyes on her child for years together, when she sees her child, she just knows and senses it. It's called instinct. SB and self are like that relationship. When you have it you know (I guess).

In case you have it, and know what it feels like, do drop in a line.

Till such time, I'll go look for it, cause Forgive me O Lord, for I know not what to seek!

The Ether Can Bring People Together

When I first started writing a blog a little over 19 months ago, I honestly thought it'd just replace my diary. It'd be my personal space, and in this almost infinite universe of the Internet, I'd have the irony of anonyomity in a very public forum.

I never advertised it, never told anyone where my blog was located, because what I wrote was (and is) what I felt and it reflected my private tribulations.

Then I told a few friends. Some came and read never to return, some never bothered, some left comments and some like Irf have continued to be loyal. I don't know why. I'm afraid to ask.

Of course as a writer you always want some vindication of your art and talent (at least what one imperiously assumes). Then some more came by accident and one such fellow blogger became a friend. That friendship is no longer a friendship because of various reasons. I swore to be off the blog. I got back after a mini sabbatical. I accidentally deleted my blog for which I unashamedly profess great love however self-centred that may be, and great attachment. I retrieved my posts. I'm rebuilding idiosyncrazies.

And today, the blog was again the cause for bonding. She's a fellow blogger too. Maybe she felt sorry for me. Maybe she felt she owed me one as I leave comments on her infrequent posts. Maybe it was just plain curiosity. I don't know. I wrote to her. She wrote back. And we made a connection.

Not so strange am sure. But one is always wary of strangers. But then one needs to be wary of friends too isn't it? For, can one be sure of anyone or anything anywhere any more?

The ether is the carpet and all of us are the warps and the wefts that comprise the design. It's upto each of us to decide if the design is going to be enriching and vibrant or staid and morose.

Let's all turn designer shall we and create. Create bonds.

Ennui of the Soul!

Anxious. Fatigued. Nervous. Apprehensive.

Adjectives that describe the current state of mind. Or is it soul? Don't know. Do I care? If I could lift myself from this abyss of apathy, I would say a resounding yes. But naah, I don't really care now.

It's that phase of life where you really feel on edge and have ambitions, aspirations, desires, yearnings, and just need a break. To see it all out there in front of you like a gossamer curtain, gently wafting in the breeze, and then to reach out and feel its reality. Oh God, yes, you want it all to just manifest itself and say, 'Voila!'

And you want to stop belabouring the same dreams and same aspirations and same desires and same yearnings. You just want a break.

In my lingo, it'd be called a 'miracle'.

(For those who come and visit this blog and some who've left a comment, thank you. Some have also wanted particular comments deleted and I'd like to just say that it's not for lack of intention, just that right now technology is disabling and not enabling. I'll try and adhere to thy command tomorrow).

Listening post!

Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and speak to someone who'd be non-judgmental, patient, empathetic and above all, just plain loving.

Loneliness! (Damn that Grey's anatomy, they pick on little nuggets of human emotion and it strikes a chord). It's a tough act to follow and I'm going to get Uncle Oscar for 'best actress' in the Only the Lonely (forever)!

Thank you blogdom, blogspot, online diary, listening post, confidante, whatever!Thank you for being there when I needed you. I only wish you could make the right sounds or put your arm around me, or hush and sush me and say the right things. I needed you today, and you were there, right where I left you.

I started the day by saying I felt numb. As the life out of this day ebbs and a sweeping stillness settles over it like a warm comfortable quilt, I guess I can just be happy that I feel sad after all. (Does that sound batty?)

I'm not sure!

Earlier there was a time when I could write out an entire post in my mind. There were tons of things in the world that moved me, made me wonder, made me want to ask and be answered, made me cry, made me mad.

Nowadays I feel a sense of nothingness. Like ummm...like I don't care. Which isn't true. I do ask, and enquire and my mind of course is whirring along like an ageing but smooth and reliable ceiling fan (I quite like that analogy) and I actually want to put up a whole host of questions which I think are insanely inane (and therefore should go up on my other blog), but I feel I'm not thinking with that much intensity.

Can that be true? Of anyone? To be the same person, yet feel differently at different phases of one's life? Not necessarily about the same things, but I mean, the EQ bit. I don't know.

Is it ok to not know? I er...I, well...ah...guess...I'm not sure.

'Twas that time of the year...

... when a cake is cut and candles are blown out. Yeah, yeah, so yesterday it was that day in the year which for some strange reason people call 'happy' birthday. What's happy about it?

Well, I did smile a lot and wore new stuff and drank kahlua and got one birthday present and had people calling me and messaging me all through the day. Guess that's supposed to be one heck of a day eh? Well, when you get to my age I'd say a resounding and emphatic yes. But I still maintain there's nothing happy about it.

So another grey, another tyre of flab, another wrinkle and another tear. It was just another day in the year in the life of...

There's always hope!

Hallelujah! I managed to recover every single post of mine, minus the comments. So now I'll have to do the painful job of reconstructing the blog. Post by post by post. Cut and paste and cut and paste and what not.

I was miserable the whole day. Though I believed that nothing was lost and I would get it all back. And it happened.

Well, I didn't think it'd bother me so much, losing all my old posts. But it did. And you know why? Because I actually enjoy my own writing how much ever I criticize it. There are some really cool posts in here...:) even I myself say so.

Phew! So bear with me for a lil' while while I reconstruct.

It mayn't matter to you, but it does to me, how this blog looks. Maybe it's just one of my idiosyncrazies.

I accidentally deleted my old blog

And I am in mourning! I am trying desperately to recover some of my old posts. And hence this new look and feel is actually old and I will try and get the old look and feel which is actually new. Phew!

The Certainty of Uncertainty!

It's what keeps us going I guess!

If only life was as simply complicated as astrologers made out to be!

If I were to believe them, then starting December 2006, I'm going to be Queen Bee or rule the world so to speak.

Oh well! If only...

A-Z of a Journey recounted!

January 12, 2007. Returning from Pune back to Bangalore. The 'what can go wrong will and does' syndrome starts from the airport.

a) Having tele-checked in the previous day for myself and my boss, we saunter in at the airport an hour and quarter earlier and heave a sigh of relief at no queues at the check-in counter.
b) I collect my boarding pass and the seat is as per the confirmed tele-check-in number. Great I think to myself! Thank God for such small conveniences.
c) Boss is collecting his boarding pass at the adjacent counter and they don't seem to have his seat number confirmed. I of course go through the motions of explaining, etc., but nett nett - we change our seats so we can sit together.
d) I tell them I'm upset by this and they ask me to fill in a complaint/suggestion form. I decline as I know it will gather dust. Then they direct me to their supervisor and she urges me to do the same and I do.
e) The flight is delayed. When we finally board the aircraft, we're told by a very apologetic sounding captain that we'd not be able to take-off due to non-clearance from the Pune airport authorities due to some VVIP take-off. So 15/20 mins. becomes 30 mins. and we're finally sky-bound an hour after the scheduled time.
f) On arrival which is past 2100 hrs., I head for the pre-paid taxi counter of the KSTDC. Our airports being so starved of proper infrastructure do not yet have the facility for day travellers to park their cars in a safe spot and drive away on return. The queue is long and it seems to be taking an inordinately long time.
g) 2 travellers before me are told that there are no taxis available to take any more bookings as the whole road is blocked as the CM is on his way.
h) We fume, shuffle our feet, I curse, and then 10 mins. later they're taking bookings again. Hallelujah!
i) I pay and am immediately taken to the taxi parked far away for my journey home (finally!). I wait for the taxi and wait and wait and wait. Finally I see the driver, the designated taxi number and climb aboard.
j) The driver's taxi was on LPG and the sounds that emanated from it led me to fear that there would be a break-down and I prayed.
k) At one junction, when he sped past a red light, I rebuked him and asked him to follow traffic signals.
l) At another point, I asked him if this vehicle ran on LPG and he nodded his affirmation. He asked me if I had a vehicle and I nodded. Which one? I mentioned. Did I work here was the next question. I vaguely said yes as I knew my office was not in the vicinity that he was remarking about.
m) 5 kms. from home just near a traffic junction, he had a flat. He took an inordinately long time to replace it.
n) I just sat outside the taxi on the kerb and as usual cursed my luck. What a day! I just visualized going home and to the warmth of my bed. The day had begun at 3.30 am for me as the flight in the morning was at 6.05 am. It had been a long day.
o) In fact just 500 mts. from the main road junction to the disembarkation place outside the airport, at 5.00 am in the morning there was a traffic jam. I got out and walked or else it'd have taken me 45 mins. and I'd have been left hurrying to the aircraft and possibly been the last to climb in. There was a huge pandal at the parking lot outside the airport welcoming Haj pilgrims and some gentleman at 5.15 am was orating loudly on the mike. So it all began then, as you can see.
p) Cut back to me sitting at the kerb waiting for the wheels to turn. Finally when I saw him putting the tools back in the car, I climbed in. Then he opened the hatch door again and took out the jack or whatever it is that tightens the bolts and I lost it then. It was 10.25 pm. I'd landed at 9.05 pm. I had 5 kms. more to go. I asked him to kindly hurry up in the most irritated voice.
"Sit no madam" in a 'what's the hurry' tone was the last straw. I raised my voice and I asked him to hurry up.
q) At the traffic light he sped past again. And again I admonished him. At which point an argument ensued and he was livid as of course it was my fault that I asked him to hurry, the urgency, the flat tyre and me the complaining nag.
r) My boss who'd travelled with me had reached home and I'd SMSed him about the flat, etc., so he called to ask if I'd reached the safe haven of home. I was in the midst of an argument with the driver and I was shouting at my boss and recounting my experience and telling him that I'd complain, etc. My boss of course being practical asked me to calm down, and anyway, we continued.
s) The driver again halted the vehicle as he'd been privy to the not very private conversation between me and my boss and whipped out his cell and said, 'You want to complain, do it now. I will not move till you speak to someone. You want to complain right, do it."
t) I was fed up at that point in time. I just gritted my teeth and asked him to 'please continue. I'm sure you want to return to your duty as I want to go home, so kindly do your duty drop me home and just continue.'
u) He drove quietly and we finally reached home.
v) I signed the counterfoil as he did and he kept the part essential for him and I kept mine and walked away. He did not leave immediately, but I think, waited to see where I was going, but I didn't see in his direction. I was intent on my destination and went straight up in the elevator.
w) I called up KSTDC and I spoke to someone and recounted the entire episode and basically lodged a complaint. The man at the other end was very patient, sympathetic and asked me to even go to the web site and write a mail to them. He said they would definitely take action against the driver. I requested him to not be very harst but at least warn the driver and teach him basic etiquette so that single woman travellers needn't feel unsafe. He said he would.
x) This afternoon, my mom tells me that the driver has come with an accomplice, friend, another person, colleague (don't know).
y) The security didn't let him in thankfully. He was apparently waiting outside and told the guards that he wanted a letter from me as he was asked to stay off-duty as I'd lodged a complaint.
z) I've written to the KSTDC about this matter.

What I wish to ask is this?
a) Can any woman be subjected to harassment such as this? If this is not harassment then what is?
b) Should one not be vocal and express urgency or even ask a service provider to observe basic traffic rules (or any rules) and just go with the flow?
c) In case one has lodged a complaint against misdemeanour, misconduct, etc., should one feel threatened because of such behaviour of the staff?
d) Should I venture out now or not am not sure. What if my car gets stoned, or I'm followed and then confronted in some place when I'm alone?

I don't know what to do. I'm disturbed.